Down

Sometimes we just feel sad, down, depressed, not worthy.  These are all feelings I have at this exact moment in time.  I come here to write because writing almost always, without fail, makes me feel better.  Just getting my thoughts down in an unorganized fashion helps me.

I went through a period of “what will I do when I quit my job?” last June.  I was on maternity leave and started to become a bit scared of the title “stay at home mom”.  The term seemed a bit useless and demeaning for some reason.  I hated that I felt that way but all the women I have know who have chosen to become stay at home moms have had something on the side-a successful blog, photography, tutoring, work from home gig.  I had nothing.  So when in July, I proposed to my old boss that I’d be happy to work from home part-time as long as they needed me, it felt really good.  Of course, they took that away from me on my last day and I don’t want to get into that today.  I was actually a bit relieved when my boss told me they didn’t want me working from home.  I actually was done with the bs that DU had thrown my way and really just wanted to be done there.  Lucky for me, I had my ACE test to study for and I had to take it by the end of February 2013.  So from September to mid February I actually felt somewhat fulfilled.  I was studying for my certification to become a health coach.  When people asked me what I did I not only was a SAHM, I was also studying for my health coach certification through the American Council on Exercise 🙂  Pretty awesome huh?  For whatever reason, it felt reputable.  I was doing more than just watching my baby all day and going to play groups.

Ok, maybe I’m being hard on myself.  But I truly feel as though I’m working towards nothing right now.  I’m so incredibly grateful to be able to stay at home with Emmett.  These past 11 months have literally been the best 11 months of my life.  I love our play times, our story groups, our play groups, our walks, our runs, our errands, our lunch dates, the laughter we share, watching him develop and never missing a beat.  I really don’t know how working moms do it.  I can’t imagine not being with my baby this past year.  I know this time won’t last forever so again, I try to reason with myself and tell myself that this time is precious and that I can never get it back but there’s always that little voice in the back of my head that really wants to make it count.

I don’t need a job to feel like I’m a contributing member of society, but today I do with I had more on my plate.  This talk is probably coming out because for the past 3 days, E and I haven’t really had anything on our social calendar and when that happens, I start to feel anxious.  Luckily tomorrow we’re going to a volunteer thing and lunch with friends after and Chad scored us some pretty sweet seats at the nuggets game tomorrow night.  I’m really looking forward to going out with Chad.

Why do monotonous days get me down?  I have my health, I have my husband, I have my boy, I have my dog, I have my family, I have my friends, I have running…What more could I possibly want or even need?  Oh, to make sure I get out of the house every single day and make sure that Emmett has several learning opportunities when we do get out.  Yeah, there’s that.  So what am I going to do about my mood today?  Well, I’m going to just go with it.  Tomorrow will be better.

I know the real reason I feel low today…I want sweets more than anything in the entire world right now and because I chose to sacrifice them for lent, I’m forced to fill the void with fruit and cereal!  All I really want is a freshly baked brownie with vanilla bean ice cream.  My mom said the other day that she doesn’t think I should give up sweets anymore because she doesn’t like seeing me sad.  I love that women.  Maybe I should listen to her next year 🙂

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