Bitter sweet

Yesterday was our 10 week ultrasound.  I will do my best to remember everything and not leave a thing out.

We woke up and got ready as normal.  The appointment was at 8am so we left the house at 7:30.  I was a nervous wreck to be honest.  The fear of vanishing twin syndrome just wouldn’t leave my conscience.  I desperately just wanted it all to be over and to be ok, whatever the outcome.  On Wednesday I actually made a list of all the great things about having a singelton baby opposed to twins just to prepare myself for what may come.  On our way to the appointment my husband ran a red light on complete accident about 2 blocks before we got to the doc’s office.  I didn’t want to be late so I got out of the car and walked the rest of the way.  I got there and checked us in and he came in about 2 minutes after I had gotten there.  Unfortunately the cop didn’t feel THAT bad that I was pregnant and gave Chad a ticket anyways.  Oh well, can’t win em all. The ultrasound tech was running behind so we waited a bit in the waiting room before we were called and made small talk with the receptionist who also assured me she had never heard of vanishing twin syndrome and thought I was crazy for looking on the internet to do my research.  What does she know?  Anyways, a few more minutes and they called our names to come back to the ultrasound room.

I pulled my shirt up and started talking about my fears of vanishing twin syndrome and how I wasn’t exactly excited about this ultrasound, I was more nervous.  The tech assured me that I was being silly.  She told us that she had 2 other clinics that she works at and each of them has a set of twins.  She told me I just HAD to be her last set.  She explains “you know, they come in 3’s!”   Ok…I thought to myself, I guess.  She pulled the wand out and put it on my stomach.  I immediately knew we had lost one and I mean immediately.  They say there’s such thing as mother’s intuition and I can honestly say I have felt that for the last several weeks but mostly yesterday when the wand touched my bare skin.  As she frantically took the wand and moved it over and over again to different parts of my stomach searching for any sign of the other baby, the room was completely silent and I could tell she knew she had put her foot in her mouth.  Then, finally, she says “yeah, sorry, I think there is only one.”  Even though I could see it for myself my heart sank.  I looked at my husband and could tell his eyes were blank, shocked.  I think we both wanted to cry but didn’t know how to.  How can we cry when our BABY is up on that screen wiggling around and moving it’s arms and legs and swaying from side to side.  It was a very surreal moment and one that I will never forget.  We watched for several more minutes as the baby just swam around and we processed what was going on.  Chad didn’t say anything.  I kept asking questions.  We just lost a baby but we still have one!  How do you react to this sort of news?

After a while the ultrasound tech took several more pictures and told us the baby had it’s fingers and toes and a nasal cavity.  It also was measuring a very thin skin fold on the back of it’s neck which is a good sign.  It’s heartbeat was 167 and it measured a whole week larger than what we expected.  11 weeks 2 days!  We skipped an entire week!  That puts our due date at about April 25, 2012.  Really the only way I could be happier is if they were both still with us.  That being said, the doctor told us after the ultrasound that she had been worried.  The babies were sharing the same placenta which is not a good outcome.  What she assumes happened is that the surviving baby ended up taking all of the nutrients from the placenta and the dying baby didn’t get nourished so it died off.  There weren’t any remains  of the dead fetus.  Luckily it got reabsorbed back into the placenta which means there was no effect on the surviving baby.  If this was going to happen, we are glad that it happened early.  Had this happened after the first trimester it could have caused major complications for the surviving twins and they both could have died.  Hey, I’ll take one baby or no babies!!

Hi guys!

It a sense, it was almost a relief to know that we are only having one.  I was terrified of the complications that occur as you get further along with a twin pregnancy.  For selfish reasons, I didn’t want to be as big as a house (although I would have gladly accepted the challenge!).  I can also run again.  With a twin pregnancy you really are not allowed to do any sort of exercise unless it’s walking.  When I feel better, I fully intend on running throughout my pregnancy.  It also lifts a major financial burden for us.  I can continue to work if I so choose without having my entire paycheck go towards daycare.  We also are thankful that we can give our attention 100% to one baby and enjoy the experience of having one child.  So all in all that was our 10 week ultrasound.

I can say I feel more joy than sorrow.  I know that moments of sadness will occur, just as they occurred when we miscarried in June.   I felt my first real sad moment when my brother called last night to talk about it.  He is so careful with his words and a very sensitive person.  I think that touched me in a place I hadn’t yet been touched that day.  I was able to pull it together and continue our conversation with a few laughs sprinkled in.  I thank him for finding that place in my soul to mourn our loss.  I ended up waking up last night to go to the bathroom and when I came back to bed, I put my hands on my stomach and let the tears stream down my face.  It was a great release for me and something I need to make sure is never bottled up and forgotten.  I finally came to the conclusion, baby, I will miss you but you will always be a part of your sibling and I will never forget you.

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