Another miracle

I say that today is another miracle because there is still no sign of bleeding.  I have made it to 5 weeks today.  The fetal age (day we conceived) is one day older than the anniversary of our miscarriage.  Our embryo has stuck around longer than the last one.  I will say this pregnancy already feels so different than the last one though.  I have had much more cramping this time around but not the cramping that I experienced with the miscarriage.  This cramping is like period cramping but much more dull.  It’s right in my uterus and it feels like the little embryo is trying to attach itself to my uterus.  I still get scared every time I feel cramping though.  This was something I never experienced with the last one.  The breast pain is about the same.  I still haven’t started doubling up sports bras yet.  I feel much more tired with this one.  It’s only 5 weeks so maybe too early???  But I do feel tired.  I’m not sure if this is b/c I go to bed around 10:30pm every night and wake up to do 5-7 miles of running at 5:30am or if it’s due to pregnancy.  Hard to tell.  I guess the real test will be this weekend when I’m not running but then again, we’ll be camping and I never get great sleep camping so if I’m tired this weekend I could just attribute it to camping.  I haven’t really experienced the increased sensation to go to the bathroom every 5 min. yet or the nausea that everyone speaks of.  So far I do feel semi-normal.  I went to the doc. twice last week and had my hcg and progesterone levels checked.  Last Tuesday at 4 weeks my hcg was 698 and on Friday when I went back to test my hcg had risen to 3520!  I called my doc. to let her know the results and she mentioned it sounded almost “twinish”.  WTF!?  So now we are anxiously awaiting the ultrasound.  I don’t want to say this but I use words like if we make it to the ultrasound.  I’m so scared to think otherwise.  I’m erring on the side of caution I suppose.  I hope and pray we make it to next Thursday to see a heart beat (or two!).   I haven’t been over excited this time around because every day that passes is another day our embryo is still alive in my mind and thinking too far ahead and getting too excited could result in complete sadness and pain if we lose this one too.  I know my husband doesn’t always appreciate the negativity and quite frankly, I don’t either.  I wish I could feel the same joy and happiness that I experienced with the last one.  I wish I could start using words such as “when” instead of “if”.  It’s not that I don’t believe this one won’t go full term.  I truly believe deep down that this one is fine and that the last one was a fluke thing.  I know we are doing every thing in our power to keep this one safe and healthy.  It certainly didn’t help my mental health when I tripped and fell running on Sunday!  I just really really want to feel excited, overjoyed, enthusiastic and downright optimistic that this one is completely healthy.  I’m not saying it won’t happen but for now I like taking things day by day and just focusing on the fact that I’m pregnant right now.

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