Cautious Optimism

Every trip to the bathroom holds a little bit of fear.  Chad and I have told our parents and siblings.  I have told two girlfriends and plan on telling my closest girlfriends after seeing the heartbeat (if we get that far this time).  I guess every day I count as a blessing.  It’s so different than last time just knowing and almost expecting that any day now, it could all end.  I am still keeping up my exercise and daily activities (minus the wine and unpasteurized cheeses and raw eggs!) and just trying hard to force my mind to think of other things.  I’m trying to eat well, sleep enough, and really take care of myself.  I’m trying not to let things get to me and overall just trying to force myself to have a healthy outlook on what’s to come.  I’m trying to look forward to events rather than weeks in the pregnancy.  Mind you, I’m TRYING, not always succeeding.  Any little tiny pain or cramp I feel, whether it’s bloating, gas, or constipation, I think it’s a miscarriage.  I run to the bathroom and check my underwear.  It was so much easier last time.  Miscarriage was definitely talked about but I don’t think I ever thought it would or could happen to me.  Even the doctor’s were surprised I had experienced one.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  This appointment was set up 3 weeks ago and has nothing to do with pregnancy.  I am going to talk about my homocycteine levels which are associated with MTHFR and miscarriage.  Thank god they came back completely normal.  Whatever I’m doing seems to be working.  But I will be surprising them and letting them know I’m pregnant.  I keep going back and forth on when to call my regular OB/GYN.  She wanted us to wait 2 cycles before trying again.  There was no way I was going to wait.  I found no reason (nor could she give me one) that I should wait that long.  My period came back exactly one month after the miscarriage started and my HCG levels went to below 5 just two weeks after the miscarriage.  My mental health felt fine as we didn’t ever see this as a viable pregnancy and we didn’t even get to hear a heartbeat.  We took it for what it was, a bundle of cells that never even turned into a fetus.  It was an embryo in the making.  Nothing more, nothing less.

So here’s to taking baby steps and just thinking day by day.  No planning ahead and no looking too far in advance.  I just want to get to tomorrow.

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