Another miracle

I say that today is another miracle because there is still no sign of bleeding.  I have made it to 5 weeks today.  The fetal age (day we conceived) is one day older than the anniversary of our miscarriage.  Our embryo has stuck around longer than the last one.  I will say this pregnancy already feels so different than the last one though.  I have had much more cramping this time around but not the cramping that I experienced with the miscarriage.  This cramping is like period cramping but much more dull.  It’s right in my uterus and it feels like the little embryo is trying to attach itself to my uterus.  I still get scared every time I feel cramping though.  This was something I never experienced with the last one.  The breast pain is about the same.  I still haven’t started doubling up sports bras yet.  I feel much more tired with this one.  It’s only 5 weeks so maybe too early???  But I do feel tired.  I’m not sure if this is b/c I go to bed around 10:30pm every night and wake up to do 5-7 miles of running at 5:30am or if it’s due to pregnancy.  Hard to tell.  I guess the real test will be this weekend when I’m not running but then again, we’ll be camping and I never get great sleep camping so if I’m tired this weekend I could just attribute it to camping.  I haven’t really experienced the increased sensation to go to the bathroom every 5 min. yet or the nausea that everyone speaks of.  So far I do feel semi-normal.  I went to the doc. twice last week and had my hcg and progesterone levels checked.  Last Tuesday at 4 weeks my hcg was 698 and on Friday when I went back to test my hcg had risen to 3520!  I called my doc. to let her know the results and she mentioned it sounded almost “twinish”.  WTF!?  So now we are anxiously awaiting the ultrasound.  I don’t want to say this but I use words like if we make it to the ultrasound.  I’m so scared to think otherwise.  I’m erring on the side of caution I suppose.  I hope and pray we make it to next Thursday to see a heart beat (or two!).   I haven’t been over excited this time around because every day that passes is another day our embryo is still alive in my mind and thinking too far ahead and getting too excited could result in complete sadness and pain if we lose this one too.  I know my husband doesn’t always appreciate the negativity and quite frankly, I don’t either.  I wish I could feel the same joy and happiness that I experienced with the last one.  I wish I could start using words such as “when” instead of “if”.  It’s not that I don’t believe this one won’t go full term.  I truly believe deep down that this one is fine and that the last one was a fluke thing.  I know we are doing every thing in our power to keep this one safe and healthy.  It certainly didn’t help my mental health when I tripped and fell running on Sunday!  I just really really want to feel excited, overjoyed, enthusiastic and downright optimistic that this one is completely healthy.  I’m not saying it won’t happen but for now I like taking things day by day and just focusing on the fact that I’m pregnant right now.

Baby on board

I went to the doc. today.  He made me feel better.  We talked a long time about where to go from here.  Today marks exactly 4 weeks preggo.  That’s not a milestone or anything.  I miscarried at 5 weeks with the last one so I’m hoping to get past that this time.  I would love to hear a heart beat (and to have a baby!).  I got my progesterone and hcg levels tested.  Progesterone was 13.8 and hcg was at 698.  I was happy enough with those levels.  I go back Friday for a follow up blood test to see if the numbers progress.  If they do then that’s one step closer to having a baby!  If they don’t, well, I’m not going to go there today.  I made another appointment with my regular ob.  I’m a little nervous as she told us to wait 2 cycles and we clearly did not.  We did however wait 1 which is what we felt comfortable with.  I have decided that if she is the least bit rude to me tomorrow then I’m finished with her and will be switching my appointments solely to CU. Although I don’t like that they are always behind and super busy, I do like the people over there.  They are more advanced and aren’t “by the literature” as my doc. explained to me this morning.  The old school thought was to wait for a woman to have 3 miscarriages before doing any further testing to see why this is happening.  My doc. today said there is no way he would have a patient go through this mentally a 3rd time.  His wife also had a miscarriage so he could relate with what we are going through.  They also support my running over there.  My ob does too but only until week 20.  I did 9 this morning and it felt amazing.  I promised my husband I’d go slow and I did.  I am trying to take advantage of these days that I still feel energetic but who knows, I may always feel energetic.  I have tons of energy by nature.  I have no idea what I’d be like if I didn’t run as much as I did!!

So for now, I’m taking a deep breathe and starting to feel hopeful.  Everyday is truly starting to feel like a blessing.

Cautious Optimism

Every trip to the bathroom holds a little bit of fear.  Chad and I have told our parents and siblings.  I have told two girlfriends and plan on telling my closest girlfriends after seeing the heartbeat (if we get that far this time).  I guess every day I count as a blessing.  It’s so different than last time just knowing and almost expecting that any day now, it could all end.  I am still keeping up my exercise and daily activities (minus the wine and unpasteurized cheeses and raw eggs!) and just trying hard to force my mind to think of other things.  I’m trying to eat well, sleep enough, and really take care of myself.  I’m trying not to let things get to me and overall just trying to force myself to have a healthy outlook on what’s to come.  I’m trying to look forward to events rather than weeks in the pregnancy.  Mind you, I’m TRYING, not always succeeding.  Any little tiny pain or cramp I feel, whether it’s bloating, gas, or constipation, I think it’s a miscarriage.  I run to the bathroom and check my underwear.  It was so much easier last time.  Miscarriage was definitely talked about but I don’t think I ever thought it would or could happen to me.  Even the doctor’s were surprised I had experienced one.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  This appointment was set up 3 weeks ago and has nothing to do with pregnancy.  I am going to talk about my homocycteine levels which are associated with MTHFR and miscarriage.  Thank god they came back completely normal.  Whatever I’m doing seems to be working.  But I will be surprising them and letting them know I’m pregnant.  I keep going back and forth on when to call my regular OB/GYN.  She wanted us to wait 2 cycles before trying again.  There was no way I was going to wait.  I found no reason (nor could she give me one) that I should wait that long.  My period came back exactly one month after the miscarriage started and my HCG levels went to below 5 just two weeks after the miscarriage.  My mental health felt fine as we didn’t ever see this as a viable pregnancy and we didn’t even get to hear a heartbeat.  We took it for what it was, a bundle of cells that never even turned into a fetus.  It was an embryo in the making.  Nothing more, nothing less.

So here’s to taking baby steps and just thinking day by day.  No planning ahead and no looking too far in advance.  I just want to get to tomorrow.

Attached

That was my problem.  I was too attached to the last pregnancy from the start.  I guess after seeing so many people around us have such healthy pregnancies and so many of these people being completely unhealthy, I figured I’d sail through my pregnancy.  Boy was I naive.  I guess I just see people who are overweight, unhealthy, don’t eat right, drink all the time, don’t take care of themselves, are highly stressed, and somehow, they STILL manage to get pregnant and keep the baby.  I figured the hard part would be getting pregnant but once I saw those double pink lines, I figured I’d just hit the easy button.  Especially after only trying for 2 months we thought we’d hit gold!

Well guess what.  I’m pregnant again.  Last week was one of the longest weeks of my life and here’s how it all went down…

Monday 8/15-I was eating my breakfast when I felt extremely sharp shooting pains in my pelvis area.  So bad to the point where I could barely eat.  I had to put my breakfast down and just let the pain run it’s course.  It did and I thought “that was odd”.  As the morning went on, I started thinking more and more, “what if that was implantation?  What if I’m pregnant?”.  I had promised myself after the miscarriage that the earliest I was ever going to test again was at 5 weeks past my last menstrual period.  Yeah right!  You know, you just get way to damn excited.  So this time around I said I’d just test at 10 days past ovulation.  But the more I thought about it the worse it got…I HAD to know.  I went to the store at lunch time and bought the cheapest pregnancy tests they had at the store.  I came back, went to the bathroom and peed on a stick.  I waited and the control line came up pretty much right away.  My heart was beating out of it’s chest.  A VERY faint line came up.  So faint that I almost had to squint to see it, but it was there!!  I carried the test back with me to my office and watched it and analyzed it all afternoon.  I also told myself I wasn’t going to tell my husband.  I was almost certain no line would show up anyways so why would I tell him!?  BUT I needed someone else to confirm that there was a line and that I wasn’t crazy.  Sure enough, when I got home I pulled it out and showed him.  He saw the line but rolled his eyes.  He begged me to just wait.  I didn’t think much of it as it could easily turn into a chemical pregnancy.

Tuesday 8/16- 10 dpo.  AHHH!  The wait was killing me!  I had to know!  So this time I decided to take the first morning urine and test.  A definite faint line came up quicker than yesterday’s test. But again, it could have still been a chemical pregnancy.  I had a digital pregnancy test left over from the clear blue easy OPK test trips and was reading reviews online about these types of tests.  Most people got positive tests only to conclude they weren’t pregnant.  Once man even took the test because his wife got a positive and it turned out positive for him too!  I decided that because this test seemed far from reliable that I’d take it anyways.  I waited a few minutes and it came up “pregnant”.  I was pretty happy but also scared at the thought that again, this may be a chemical pregnancy.  I decided to take one last test at lunch time, this time with a more expensive test.  I went to the store and got a first response.  I took it at lunch with completely diluted urine.  I had bring drinking water pretty much all morning so there was no way this one was going to be accurate but I couldn’t wait!!  I took it….two lines.  Very faint, but two lines!  I took the tests home yet again to confirm with Chad.  He said there were lines and basically thought I was insane.  I promised him I wouldn’t test again until Friday, the day my period was supposed to come.

It took everything I had inside of me not to take tests the following days.  I even had a wine date with a friend and had to tell her my embarrassing story of the week and why I’d be drinking club soda.  All my friends know I’m insanely impatient so they just laugh when I tell them these ridiculous stories.  Thursday night was a long night.  I felt like a kid waiting for Christmas morning to show up.  First of all I couldn’t sleep for the life of me.  After I finally did go to sleep I was awoken by my bladder at 2:30am.  I immediately took my temperature to make sure it was still above coverline.  It was.  Time to test!  I grabbed a first response and headed to the toilet.  My heart was racing so quickly I almost blacked out.  I peed and I waited.  Almost instantly the two lines showed up together.  I sighed a sigh of relieve and headed back to bed and asked Chad if I could turn the light on.  I said “See, now do you believe me!?” as I showed him the positive test.  We were both excited but went back to sleep quickly knowing this all could be over with in a matter of weeks like last time.

So, no need to get attached right?  What if this one goes away just like last time?  What if my body rejects it?  What if there is something wrong with ME!?  I have no idea why the last one didn’t work out.  Part of me does want to blame the folic acid.  I was taking 2mg, now I’m taking 5mg each day.  I actually got my homocycteine levels checked a few weeks ago and they are normal. So whatever I’m doing now is working!  Every time I go to the bathroom and I don’t see blood feels like a new milestone has been crossed.

What once was lost, now is found

Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about my car.

You may or may not have any idea what I’m talking about.  Let me start from the beginning.  So it’s Monday morning and I’m driving around work trying to find free street parking.  There are limited amounts of spots as it is and there has been major road work that’s been going on this whole summer.  Thank god the students are out ( I work at a University) because if school was in session I’d have to be here an hour early every day to find some place to park.   Ok back to the point.  I find a parking spot on one of the roads they’d been working on because, low and behold, all the “no parking” signs had been taken down!  Woohoo!  Score!  The spot was even in the shade!  Double score!  I parked around 7:52am to be precise and went about my day.  Fast forward 8ish hours and I’m ready to go home.  I start walking out to my car and as I’m getting closer I’m starting to realize it’s no where in sight.  I do however see the no parking signs back up and 2 other cars parked in the spot that I was previously parked in.  There were also 4 people standing around talking on the sidewalk.  I ran over there and asked them if they knew anything about the cars that were parked there earlier???  They actually knew what I was talking about because the woman’s brother in law’s car had been towed the day prior.  I proceeded to tell them that the “no parking” signs were not there earlier that morning and the man says to me in the most white trash accent, “Well there ain’t no signs up there because we got mad and threw them in the bushes because of this road work they been do’in.  It’s going on 3 weeks with no progress.”

Um, wft!?  How do you just THROW “no parking” signs into the bushes!?  I started to freak and and frantically started asking them where my car was.  The woman said it was probably about a mile away off a side street in the residential area across the park as that’s where her brothers car had been taken the day before.  She also thought it may be in a lot somewhere!  What!?  Then where is it!?  How will I EVER find my car!?  The man told me maybe I should call the number on the back of the sign.  I did.  They said I needed to call the non-emergency police line.   I did that.  The non-emergency police line fortunately had NO record of my car being reported as towed.  WFT!?  No report!?  They told me I could walk around looking for my car then if I don’t find it I can file a stolen car report.  WTF!?  I KNOW my car wasn’t stolen.  I was fuming at this point and started hitting the panic button on my cars key system.  That was the only way I found the car.  I followed the noise and we were reunited at last.  There was also another surprise  I had received.  Along with finding my car I won a $150 ticket!!  Ok, can I just say something?  F our local law enforcement.

JERKS

I have zero respect for these people.  They didn’t even have the common decency to call in the tow.  Had I not had a panic button, I NEVER would have found the car.  Not to mention, I’m not sure how I would have gotten home as we only have one car between both myself and my husband.  Thank the good lord I have an unbelievably understanding spouse.  When he got home I explained the whole thing and he was furious, not with me, but at all the things I was furious at including law enforcement, the white trash idiots who threw the sign in the bushes, and the construction workers.  He wanted me to go fight it (as if I’d even have a chance of winning) so I agreed.

The next morning I really really wanted and tried to get up at 5:30am like I always do for my run.  I was SO tired.  I didn’t sleep at all.  I was so overworked.  I already had the morning off as I had a doc’s appointment (another post on that soon) and we’re not allowed to just take an hour or so off work, we must take a 1/2 day.  So I scheduled my appointment for 10:40am.  Perfect!  My plan WAS to get up, drink coffee and watch TV with Chad for a while, go for an 8 mile run, then get ready and head out.  Didn’t happen.  Chad begged me to go back to bed.  He knew I was tired as neither of us slept.  He even woke up for an hour and a half in the middle of the night, ate cereal, read the paper and then went back to bed.  So, I obliged.  I got back in bed, didn’t set the alarm and thought to myself it would be the perfect day to sleep in and take a rest day off running (I will post on this too, I don’t take rest days).  I ended up only sleeping until about 6:50am because our pup wanted to eat breakfast and was getting super antsy.  She can only sleep for  so long!  My plan was to just shower, get ready, make breakfast and lunch and be the first person standing in line at the parking magistrate’s office at 8am.  Nope.  I decided at around 7:40am that I wanted to go for a 6 mile run and totally be frazzled because that would mean I wouldn’t have much time in between appointments.  So I had a horrible run.  Just awful because I was so panicked about getting back in time to make both appointments.  I got home, showered and got ready and told myself I could leave no later than 8:45am.  Sure enough, I did it!  I should write a book on getting ready quick.  The parking place was only about 1 mile away but parking was a nightmare.   I had to pay for parking and was just crossing my fingers there wouldn’t be a long line for people fighting with the parking office.  Thankfully, there was only one person ahead of me when I got there at 9:10am.  I was called and went in with my head held high.  I was sure I had this.  Dreams. Were. Crushed.  Dude had really no sympathy for me what so ever.  He could sense my frustration but only took off $30 to make my grand total $120 instead of $150.  Still stings BIG time.  I left that place with the WORST taste in my mouth.  I was furious.  I hate our government and the way things are run here.  I told Chad that if we ever have a good chance to leave the country, I’m going to be the first to purchase a one way ticket out of here.  Rights, schmights.

The Scale, my lover, my worst enemy part 1

I can’t even begin to describe the slew of emotions that I’ve gone through in the last 24 hours.  Let’s start with my workout yesterday.

5 mile run. Done.  It was nice, legs hurt a little bit.  I ran close to 20 miles over the weekend so it was nice to just take it semi easy yesterday.

I had a sort of off day yesterday if you will.  I weighed myself for the first time in about a month yesterday.  Let me give some background on the scale and my relationship with it.  I never have been a huge proponent of scales.  When I was in school, up until about 10th grade, I only got weighed at the doctor’s office.  I was gaining a little bit of weight and could feel it in my clothes but attributed it to getting older and still going through puberty.  But by the end of sophomore year I was not exercising and eating daily treats of Twinkies, Village Inn pies, Arby’s value meals and endless portions of pretzels, chips, diet soda, and snack foods just to name a few.  My mom had noticed a change in the way I looked so when I told her I wanted to purchase a scale to keep tabs on my weight she quickly and quietly jumped on the opportunity.

Neither of my parents have ever had a problem with their weights.  I never ever got told to watch what I ate as a child growing up or was ever limited on what I could have (with the exception of limited amounts of candy and soda as we didn’t keep that stuff in the house and it was for special occasions only).  I was always a healthy eater but quite skinny for my age.  I never ever heard the word “diet” in my house hold.  My mother had and still has a very healthy relationship with food and has always been very slender at 5’7 119, she’s not a large woman.  As she has gotten older she has gained a few pounds here and there and is up to between 125-130 but still looks damn good for a woman who just turned 60 in June!  My dad does not have as healthy of a relationship with food.  While he never said anything to me about my eating habits growing up or my ballooning teenage years, I started to notice as I got more obsessed with weight that he didn’t have the healthiest relationship with food and still doesn’t.  It bothers us a lot because 1/2 the time he looks very thin and gaunt but there’s not much we can do about it.

My skinny dad

As you can see he is quite thin.  Here are my parents together at our wedding in March

As you can tell, they have both maintained great figures.  Anyways, back to the weight thing, high school, I got a scale.  I hadn’t gotten weighed since my last doc. appointment when I was a freshman.  I was around 135 which wasn’t bad but I wasn’t elated about that number either.  I was about 5’7 at the time.  Now, one grade more and one inch taller at 5’8, I weighted….168.  I was FLOORED.  I started crying right then and there.  I remember thinking I HAVE got to do something about this.  I was mortified.  How could someone so active have ballooned up to this weight!?  I remember having a dream that I turned into Garfield after he has too much lasagna.  I was marching through a city and was a giant, almost like the stay puffed marshmallow man on Ghostbusters.  I woke up in a cold sweat and realized I couldn’t live another day like this.  That summer I really got into working out and started to try and scale back on my portions as I never was an unhealthy eater just a BIG eater.  I joined 24 hour fitness and was there every waking moment.  By the end of the summer I also had to get my wisdom teeth out.  I didn’t eat for about a week and when I did eat it was all liquid type foods.  I got down to a low of 145 by the time I started my Junior year of high school.  I was still 5’8 and pretty much stayed between 145-149, never going above 150.  I liked that weight.  I felt great there.  I’m not sure where I fell off the wagon.  Maybe it was my group of friends, maybe it was lack of exercise, maybe it was the fact that I was going to start my senior year, but somewhere along those lines I gained again.  I remember not checking in too much after winter of my Junior year.  The next time I hoped on the scale actually wasn’t until my family went on vacation for my parents 25th wedding anniversary to Hawaii.  There was a scale in the bathroom of the condo we were staying at.  I did the unthinkable.  I really didn’t feel like I looked any different and hey, I was a whole inch taller!  I got on and will never forget what I saw.

The woods

We went camping.

This is the second attempt for Chad and myself to go camping together.  The first attempt was in Hawaii. We drove the road to Hana and I ended up feeling extremely car sick and nauseous as a result.  When we finally set up camp it was actually quite pleasant but I did not sleep well and as a result felt hung over the next morning and had little to no interest in ever going camping again.

This time was different.  We ended up hiking with friends of ours this time!  A four-some oh boy!  We had a specific place in mind but Chad had called earlier in the day and we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to get a spot camping as there were only 8 camp ground spots available.  When we got there, there were about a mile of cars lined up.  It took a while for us to find parking but we finally got a spot.  We decided to not bring any of our stuff up and figured we could just as easily scope out the place first then come back to the car later and grab our stuff if there were any open spots.  How hard could it be?  It was only a mile.  I ate my words (and I’m pretty sure everyone else did too).  It took us over an hour to hike up.  Our little doxie was a champ and wanted to run ahead of us several times.

Me being the incredibly smart woman that I am, had already run 9 miles before we got there (idiot).  I did not think this hike was going to be challenging in the least.  Turns out, it was sort of like what a 14er feels like.  When we finally got to the top one of our friends was smart enough to at least bring one of our tents to set up in the event that there would be an open spot so that we could hike back down and get the rest of the stuff.  We set up camp and ate our delicious King Soopers bought turkey sandwiches.  mmmm.  They were amazing!  Ever notice how when you are super hungry dirt can taste good?  These sandwiches were probably amazing in everyday life but they were that much better after hiking for over an hour all uphill.

The camp site was beautiful.  We found a spot that was in a very open area with not much tree cover.

View outside of the tent

Just a few 100 yards away was the lake.  This is actually where our water source came from.  My big strong Mr. knows a thing or two about camping so ever so often he would go down to the lake and get water to purify.  So there was a catch to all of this.  We had just finished lunch and everything was going splendidly.  It started to rain.  We hurried back into the tent as it also started lightening and thundering.  This went on for at least 2 hours.  It was actually kind of fun.  We let the dog entertain us for quite sometime.  She was trying to catch a fly.  Who knew that no technology and a little dog could provide so many laughs!?

Catch'in flys

When the storm started to die down we made a run for it and decided to go back to the car and grab the rest of our stuff including the food, another tent, sleeping bags, clothes and the most important thing….alcohol.  Wine and beer?  Yes please!

It took a good 45 min. to hike back down to the car.  None of us were excited to make the hour + journey back UP the incline.  I will say the hike itself, while challenging, was very beautiful.

This was the worst part about it….

This picture does not even begin to describe how painful it was walking back up this beast.  We had a lot of stuff.  Needless to say, we have learned that bringing 13 beers (both bottles and cans), 2 bottles of wine, cooked and already prepared food, and 5 changes of outfits is not necessary for one night of camping.  Lesson learned.

By far, the most rewarding part about camping is settling down.  We all changed into warmer clothing, popped open the beverages and had a really nice evening warming the food up, enjoying the hammocks my Mr. brought and talking about fun topics like “If you could change anything in the past knowing it would change everything in your future, what would it be?” (question, courtesy of Chad.  He has the greatest conversation starters!).

Happy Hour
Story tell'in

I think we finally decided to call it a night around 10pm.  I for sure thought we’d be in bed by 8:30pm.  Sleeping wasn’t too bad.  I still woke up several times throughout the night.  It started raining shortly after falling asleep and I started to envision our tent being carried away in the rain storm and never ever being able to make it back to the car.  I pictured a scene something like this one that had happened about 2 weeks prior to our camping trip in Denver:

In front of our condo after a flood

Fortunately, this did not happen and the rain stopped eventually although I fell asleep long before it did.  We made it through the night and woke up to a beautiful blue sky.  Chad went fishing for a bit while I tried to calm our dog down promising her that he’d be back shortly.  Fail.  She freaked out and was shaking so hard (she is obsessed with Chad) that we finally got up.  I was going to take her down to fish with him but just as we were leaving he came up over the hill.  Our friends woke up shortly after and we got breakfast on.  We lounged around for a good 2 hours before packing up and heading back down to the car.  All in all I’d say this was a complete success!  We can’t wait to do it again very soon!!