Frustrated

Today I woke up sad.  I had that empty feeling.  The feeling of no hope.  I just wanted to go back to sleep and sleep forever today.  It was just one of those days where I really miss my bundle of cells I lost over the weekend.  I didn’t go back to sleep.  Instead I forced myself out of bed and got myself some decaf coffee and watched the news with my favorite pup.  She always puts me in a better mood, especially in the morning.  She is so needy and I love it!  Both my husband and I have commented on how sweet she is in the morning.  It’s the best time to hang out with her.

After drinking coffee for 20 min., I laced up my shoes and got ready to head on my run.  I always bring the dog for the first 2 miles.  I know she could go more but she’s a mini doxie and I don’t want to stress her joints.  I usually drop her off and continue on with my own run until I have finished 4 or so miles by myself.  I’d like to get back up to running 8 in the morning but it’s just so hard to wake up any earlier than 5am.  We go to bed so late that I barely get up as it is at 5:30!  I”m so glad I went this morning though.  I always feel better once it’s over.  Such an accomplished feeling for the day.

I was really rushed this morning.  For the past several days all I have had time for is to make my breakfast of oats, mixed berries and yogurt and run off to work.  Lunch has consisted of two low carb wraps and broccoli, cauliflower and hummus.  Surprisingly it holds me just fine.  This afternoon after work I have a coffee date with a best friend of mine.  I’m really pretty excited about it.  I know the reason for it is to share my most intimate detail of what happened on Saturday evening.  She is a great friend (as are all the people I’ve told) and just wants to get together for a quick hug.

Today I’m frustrated.   I’m frustrated because I keep reading up on this MTHFR thing and it’s sounding more and more like living hell.  I got my blood drawn on Monday and Wednesday this week to check out levels of all sorts of things.  I have to keep faith that my doc. knows what the hell she is talking about and how to proceed with this f-ing mutation.  I want to start trying as quickly as possible.  This means next week is our fertile time.  I say this but really I have no idea when it is now.  This is assuming the miscarriage didn’t change anything.  I’m pretty unsure of where to go next.  I have read that I need to be on a cocktail of vitamins starting with 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of B6, 250 micrograms of B12 and a baby aspirin.  I may possibly qualify for lovenox shots too.  WTF.  The more I think about this the worse it sounds.  All this to have a health kid!?  Why do some people not have to go through all this fucking bullshit!?  It makes me so mad.  I feel so alone.  This is so fucked up.  To top it off, I still can’t get answers from my doc. and I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure all this out on my own.  I do believe it will be worth it.  I just want to get started.  The sooner we can get started, the sooner we can be done with this bullshit.

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