A new beginning

Last night I went on a nice long run.  I went to the doc. office yesterday to get my blood drawn again and to my irritation they were closed between 12:30pm-1:30pm for lunch.  I was so angry.  I called Chad immediately and cried and cried to him saying I never want to go through this again and I never want to get pregnant ever again because of how difficult everything feels.  I think my hormones were off their rockers or something.  Thank god he’s incredible because he took it in stride and didn’t even blink an eye just calming me down saying “I know sweetie, I’m so sorry”.  He wasn’t trying to talk me out of my emotions or make me suppress them.  He was allowing me to be angry, upset, frustrated, and defeated.  He told me to go to the car and just sit down for a bit or read a book until the clinic opened up again.  You see, the website says they are closed from 11:30am-12:30pm for lunch and I got there around 12:45pm.  I’m on my lunch too and while I did tell my boss, this is not my idea of a fun lunch break.  I usually take my lunch at 12:30pm so it was horrible timing.

Anyways, back to the beginning, I did run last night.  I had said I was going to wait for the bleeding to stop before I did that but I ran into my doc. in the hallway at the clinic yesterday as I was coming back from venting to Chad.  I’m so glad I ran into her because a. she wanted to know why I was there since she told me not to come back until Wednesday and b. she told me that as long as I’m not having cramping I can run!  I was elated to hear this and almost instantly felt better.  I think her telling me that I could leave and not wait around was part of that but also hearing that it would be safe for me to run again was beyond great news.  She also told me that my blood levels looked good.  They are still pretty high but it made me feel better that the doc. was telling me this rather than some receptionist who apparently had no idea what she was talking about.

At this point in my researching on my MTHFR mutation I’m almost 99% positive that it’s the mutations fault as to why I miscarried so early on.  I’ve found many women who can’t seem to get past the 5-6 week mark who have this mutation.  Very aggressive treatment is needed in order to carry a healthy baby.  I have a list of questions I want to ask my doc. about.  One of which is if I can be put on extra B6 and B12.  We already know she is going to raise the folic acid levels from 2mg to 5mg but I also want to know if I need to take a baby aspirin too.  I’m sort of angry that I didn’t do all of this for the first one.  I mean, the women who have 3-5 miscarriages usually don’t have any idea that they have this mutation and then get tested down the line.  I have known since I was 19!  I wish my doc. had been more aggressive with me back in January when I went in to talk to her about all this and told her we were going to start trying soon after the wedding.  The only thing she told me is that there has been a lot of research done on the mutation since I was diagnosed and that all we’d need to do is up my folic acid level intake.  I’m beginning to think we should have done much more than that.  I’m concerned too because I don’t have any information on how to move forward from here.  I don’t go back until July 11.  I’m hoping that is when she is going to start the aggressive treatments.  Both my husband and I think it’s totally worth it.

I’m still sitting here in shock wondering how in the world this all could have happened to me.  I am such a healthy person with super high energy levels.  So many people who I’ve read about say that their energy levels sky rocketed once they started taking the cocktail of vitamins.  So does this mean that instead of running my usual 10-13 miles every Sat and Sunday I’ll be running 20-30 miles???  I swear, most of the time I get done I don’t even feel like I’ve worked out!  I’m not sure how much more energy I can get!  I need to sign up for a marathon here pretty quick if that’s the boost I’m going to get 🙂  I don’t know.  I want answers more than anything right now.  I think when my doc. calls me tomorrow with my blood results I want to ask her what’s next.  I’m terrified she’s going to tell me to wait and not try this cycle.  My life just seems so meaningless right now.  Just going through the motions until we get answers.  When we found out we were pregnant I felt like I had life again.  I’m just so scared that this is going to be a long winding road with many setbacks.

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