Sadness

I did not get a chance to post over the weekend or yesterday because my mind has been floating in an endless bubble of shame, sadness, failure, misfortune, devastation, anger, hopelessness, fear, and just plain hurt.

We miscarried on Saturday night.  I don’t really even know where to go with this but I’ll explain from the beginning.

Friday night we had my mom’s 60th surprise birthday party.  It went off without a hitch!  Everything was perfect right down to my husband making my mom make every stop imaginable to stall her from getting to the house too early.  I left work around 3:30 to help my aunt get ready and everything turned out perfectly.  My husband showed up in a “Proud Parent” shirt that he had bought at a thrift store years ago.  It was pretty classic seeing as how it was supposed to foreshadow the events yet to come.  He didn’t put two and two together.  Everyone kept speculating that I was pregnant because of his shirt but I can assure you it was not planned like that.  He wears that shirt all the time and no one has ever said anything about us being pregnant to him in the past.  It was just a funny side note.  We kept giving each other knowing looks throughout the party and he kept drinking my corona that I was pretending to sip so that no one would speculate.  We made it through the party just fine. I felt great going to bed.

The next morning we awoke and Chad went off to go fishing.  I enjoyed the morning with my mom, aunt, uncle and dad and then they all went for a walk while I went on my usual 10 mile run.  Around mile 9 I started feeling little tinges of pain that sort of felt like maybe side cramps???  I can also equate it to the pain I feel when I’m ovulating. I walked the rest of the way home thinking it was probably nothing but wanted to error on the side of caution.  The pain never went away.  I kept occurring every 30 minutes or so.  When we all got home and showered, we decided to eat lunch and go to the pool.  I mentioned the tinges to Chad at the pool.  I kept feeling them almost like a pulling sensation but tried not to worry myself too much.  After all, pregnancy does weird things to the body.  When we got home, Chad decided to look up the tinges online to see if we could get some sort of an answer.  Mostly we found that it was just the uterus stretching.  We put our minds at rest.  We proceeded to go out to dinner with my family and throughout dinner the pains were still coming and going but this time I just thought to myself “how fun!  I can feel my uterus stretching and getting ready for baby :)”  After a lovely dinner of beef wellington and mushroom asparagus risotto that Chad and I split, I decided it was time to use the restroom.   I went in and fixed my hair first then proceeded to the toilet.  I always check my underwear for blood just because I’m paranoid.  This time there was dark brown fresh blood on my underwear.  I felt my heart stop then beat about 200 beats a minute.  I went to the bathroom then wiped.   More blood.  It was brown so I thought that maybe it was just old blood and for a split second tried to convince myself that it was just spotting and not to get ahead of myself and assume the worst.

Because I had been in the bathroom for so long, Chad decided to wait for me out in the waiting area.  When I came out and saw him he immediately asked me what was wrong.  Panic spread throughout my body.  When I saw him I embraced him lost all body control.  I wanted to die in his arms at that moment.  That was the moment I knew it was over.  I looked at him with tears filling my eyes.  I still couldn’t get the words to come out.  He knew what was going on because his eyes started filling with tears.  I finally got it out “It’s over.  It’s all over”.  He tried to calm me down and told me not to jump to conclusions but I knew.  I went to the bathroom several more times.  Each time the blood got a little fresher and more red in color.  I even stuck my finger up there to see if it was coming out.  Sure enough, it was.  My finger had a good amount of mucus type blood on the tip.  I wanted to crawl into the earth and never be brought out.  I wanted to die.  The dream was gone.  It was over.  We knew my parents and aunt and uncle were probably ready to leave at this point and had no idea where we were.  We found the car and my parents and crawled into the back of the van, holding hands and each other tightly as we made the drive home in silence, crying ever so subtly.

When we arrived home everyone got out of the car and Chad and I went directly up to my room to pack our belongings.  We knew we wanted to tell my mom about it but didn’t want to draw attention to ourselves.  We threw our clothes into our bags and packed up as quickly as possible.  We didn’t get very far.  My mom came racing up the stairs.  She knew something was going on between us.  The instant I saw her I fell apart.  She almost had to catch me as I was about to fall to the floor.  I felt so weak.  She held me and Chad as we told her what was going on.  Tears started streaming down her face as she knew all too well what this feeling was like.  She miscarried her first pregnancy at 12 weeks.  I could feel blood coming down onto my underwear so I ran to the bathroom.  That’s when it really started.  Mounds and mounds of blood came poring out.  I just sat there and cried and cried.  My mom ran to get me a pad and some clean underwear.  Chad grabbed my bloody underwear and immediately threw it away.  I remember getting irritated at this as they were a nice pair of Victoria Secret underwear.  His response “Do you really want to keep the underwear you miscarried in?”  Good point.  The rest of the evening was filled with many many tears and talking.  We did end up telling my Aunt and Uncle as they were waiting to watch our wedding video downstairs and were wondering why we weren’t enthused to watch it.  It was hard telling my aunt as she has never gone through something like this.  She got pregnant every time she tried and carried full term with no complications.  As I’m not realizing it’s very hard to talk to people about this who have never gone through it.  We ended the night on a very low note but I did end up sleeping.  We decided to stay at my parents house.  I’m really glad we did because it is a lot easier waking up to find support everywhere.

The next morning was filled with loss and emptiness.  I did try to get out and run 5 miles which felt fine but I wish I had just let my body rest.  I haven’t run since Sunday because I want the blood to go away.  I feel so fragile.  When we got home on Sunday we immediately laid down on the bed and tried to fall asleep.  After a while we both got restless and decided to get on with our day.  I went for a long walk with the dog.  I felt ok when I left but I felt about 10 times worse when I got home.  I tried to cook some dinner for us and I spoke to my brother and told him what had happened.  He was shocked.  It was hard to tell him but he always makes me feel better.  Later that night I tried to watch some TV.  I made it until about 9:30pm.  I finally decided to take a shower.  I have felt dirty and gross ever since Saturday night.  I just sat in the shower and cried.  I cried and talked to God.  I cried and talked to myself.  I cried and just felt the loneliness of this horrible tragedy.  So. Much. Blood.  That is all I could focus on.  Every time I went and still go to the bathroom there is so much blood and lining from my uterus.  It is an unbelievable amount.  Heavier than any period I’ve ever experienced.  It’s so scary.  I went to bed without even saying a word to my husband.  I didn’t want him to know that all I had done for the last 45 minutes was cry.

I woke up the next day with the same feelings of sadness and emptiness.  I didn’t set my alarm for 5am to run.  I set it for 6am to sleep in.  I would normally have called in sick but we had an IRB meeting on Monday morning.  I called the doc. as soon as I got to work and the phone call was an odd one.  I called to cancel the appointment and told her the reason for not re-scheduling was because I had a miscarriage over the weekend.  She said she was sorry and then said well that’s all and was about to hang up.  I was shocked.  I told her to hold on and asked “isn’t there some sort of protocol to follow?  Am I supposed to talk to a doctor about this?”  She said she didn’t know as she had never dealt with a miscarriage.  I assume someone would have called me eventually but seriously?!  I have just gone through a very traumatic experience and I’m not even supposed to TALK to someone????  She finally said that if it would make me feel better she’d have a doc. give me a call.  They did end up calling me and wanted to see me right away for an ultrasound and to talk with the doc.  My boss let me go the rest of the day which was really nice.  Turns out I could have “worked” from home today.  I thought I’d have to do meeting min. and clean up IRB stuff but apparently she took care of all of that.  Now I wish I were home right now and with my dog.  Not here at work doing nothing like always.

I went to the doc. around 11am yesterday and they did an ultrasound and had me meet with my OB/GYN.  Luckily the sonogram turned out ok.  I did not have an ectopic pregnancy which was a very good thing and there didn’t appear to be any type of sac left which was also a good thing.  It sounds like it expelled itself.  The sooner this happens the quicker we can start to try again.  I definitely had thought while they were looking for something wrong as to whether or not I ever wanted to try this again.  So many things were going through my head like “what if this happens again?  What if it’s worse next time?  What if I carry to past 12 weeks then miscarry?”  There are all of these questions I have and will never know the answer to.  It’s just all so very sad.  Once the ultrasound was over the doc. came in and talked to me and hugged me and told me she was so sorry.  She told me that for the next one they are going to bump my folic acid intake up from 2 mg to something much higher.  I’m wondering if they’ll put me on something else but they are going to monitor me very closely and want to see me every 2 weeks or so and prob. every week once I do fall pregnant.  I am hoping and praying this does not happen again.

I hate those people that say “things happen for a reason, it’s up to god”.  Yes, this did happen for a reason, the fetus was damaged.  God didn’t do this.  This event was not in God’s hands.  This event was a misfortune of a bad sperm or a bad egg or a combination of both that didn’t mesh well together and unfortunately decided to implant anyways making me have a positive pregnancy test and getting our hopes up.   If you have read this blog from the beginning you know how elated we were.  We wanted this baby so badly.  It’s as if I had been carrying it for so long.  It’s a very surreal experience.  You will never know what it feels like until you have a child of your own to carry and how much love you already have for it.

My biggest concern now is moving forward.  Where will I go from here?  I’m terrified of having another miscarriage.  I know the doctor’s will do everything they can not to let this happen again but sometimes it’s just out of our control and we can’t prevent these things.  The good news is that my blood results came back today.  My HCG count is still very high at 300 but not high enough where they think there would still be a fetus in there.  They didn’t see anything in the ultrasound either so that’s also good news.  I will go back again tomorrow for another blood draw to see if my levels are decreasing.  We want them to go back to as close to 0 as possible before we start trying again.   I actually went in today because someone from my doc’s office said I needed to come in 3 days in a row.  Luckily my doc. saw me in the hallway and asked why I was there and told me I wasn’t supposed to come back until tomorrow.  I told her what had happened and she said that wasn’t necessary.  She needs to communicate a few things with her office staff.   I also asked her about my running and if I can start up again.  She told me as long as I felt ok I can do whatever I want but just to listen to my body and to take it easy.  She assured me that the miscarriage had nothing to do with my running.  This made me feel so much better.  I didn’t think my running had anything to do with it but it just makes me feel better.  I’m going on a job tonight to clear my mind and get back to normal. I used the restroom on my way back to my office and my blood looks like it does at the end of my periods!!!!  Looks like things are starting to taper off and get back to normal.  I’m thinking that by Friday the blood will be 100% gone and we can start trying again.

I’m scared, yes, but I’m also so excited to start trying again with a new light at the end of the tunnel.  Now that this has happened once I know there is a good chance of it happening again and again but at least I don’t have false expectations going onto the next one.  This may become routine for us but then again we may carry a very healthy baby next time around.  We will never know unless we try.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s