Frustrated

Today I woke up sad.  I had that empty feeling.  The feeling of no hope.  I just wanted to go back to sleep and sleep forever today.  It was just one of those days where I really miss my bundle of cells I lost over the weekend.  I didn’t go back to sleep.  Instead I forced myself out of bed and got myself some decaf coffee and watched the news with my favorite pup.  She always puts me in a better mood, especially in the morning.  She is so needy and I love it!  Both my husband and I have commented on how sweet she is in the morning.  It’s the best time to hang out with her.

After drinking coffee for 20 min., I laced up my shoes and got ready to head on my run.  I always bring the dog for the first 2 miles.  I know she could go more but she’s a mini doxie and I don’t want to stress her joints.  I usually drop her off and continue on with my own run until I have finished 4 or so miles by myself.  I’d like to get back up to running 8 in the morning but it’s just so hard to wake up any earlier than 5am.  We go to bed so late that I barely get up as it is at 5:30!  I”m so glad I went this morning though.  I always feel better once it’s over.  Such an accomplished feeling for the day.

I was really rushed this morning.  For the past several days all I have had time for is to make my breakfast of oats, mixed berries and yogurt and run off to work.  Lunch has consisted of two low carb wraps and broccoli, cauliflower and hummus.  Surprisingly it holds me just fine.  This afternoon after work I have a coffee date with a best friend of mine.  I’m really pretty excited about it.  I know the reason for it is to share my most intimate detail of what happened on Saturday evening.  She is a great friend (as are all the people I’ve told) and just wants to get together for a quick hug.

Today I’m frustrated.   I’m frustrated because I keep reading up on this MTHFR thing and it’s sounding more and more like living hell.  I got my blood drawn on Monday and Wednesday this week to check out levels of all sorts of things.  I have to keep faith that my doc. knows what the hell she is talking about and how to proceed with this f-ing mutation.  I want to start trying as quickly as possible.  This means next week is our fertile time.  I say this but really I have no idea when it is now.  This is assuming the miscarriage didn’t change anything.  I’m pretty unsure of where to go next.  I have read that I need to be on a cocktail of vitamins starting with 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of B6, 250 micrograms of B12 and a baby aspirin.  I may possibly qualify for lovenox shots too.  WTF.  The more I think about this the worse it sounds.  All this to have a health kid!?  Why do some people not have to go through all this fucking bullshit!?  It makes me so mad.  I feel so alone.  This is so fucked up.  To top it off, I still can’t get answers from my doc. and I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure all this out on my own.  I do believe it will be worth it.  I just want to get started.  The sooner we can get started, the sooner we can be done with this bullshit.

A new beginning

Last night I went on a nice long run.  I went to the doc. office yesterday to get my blood drawn again and to my irritation they were closed between 12:30pm-1:30pm for lunch.  I was so angry.  I called Chad immediately and cried and cried to him saying I never want to go through this again and I never want to get pregnant ever again because of how difficult everything feels.  I think my hormones were off their rockers or something.  Thank god he’s incredible because he took it in stride and didn’t even blink an eye just calming me down saying “I know sweetie, I’m so sorry”.  He wasn’t trying to talk me out of my emotions or make me suppress them.  He was allowing me to be angry, upset, frustrated, and defeated.  He told me to go to the car and just sit down for a bit or read a book until the clinic opened up again.  You see, the website says they are closed from 11:30am-12:30pm for lunch and I got there around 12:45pm.  I’m on my lunch too and while I did tell my boss, this is not my idea of a fun lunch break.  I usually take my lunch at 12:30pm so it was horrible timing.

Anyways, back to the beginning, I did run last night.  I had said I was going to wait for the bleeding to stop before I did that but I ran into my doc. in the hallway at the clinic yesterday as I was coming back from venting to Chad.  I’m so glad I ran into her because a. she wanted to know why I was there since she told me not to come back until Wednesday and b. she told me that as long as I’m not having cramping I can run!  I was elated to hear this and almost instantly felt better.  I think her telling me that I could leave and not wait around was part of that but also hearing that it would be safe for me to run again was beyond great news.  She also told me that my blood levels looked good.  They are still pretty high but it made me feel better that the doc. was telling me this rather than some receptionist who apparently had no idea what she was talking about.

At this point in my researching on my MTHFR mutation I’m almost 99% positive that it’s the mutations fault as to why I miscarried so early on.  I’ve found many women who can’t seem to get past the 5-6 week mark who have this mutation.  Very aggressive treatment is needed in order to carry a healthy baby.  I have a list of questions I want to ask my doc. about.  One of which is if I can be put on extra B6 and B12.  We already know she is going to raise the folic acid levels from 2mg to 5mg but I also want to know if I need to take a baby aspirin too.  I’m sort of angry that I didn’t do all of this for the first one.  I mean, the women who have 3-5 miscarriages usually don’t have any idea that they have this mutation and then get tested down the line.  I have known since I was 19!  I wish my doc. had been more aggressive with me back in January when I went in to talk to her about all this and told her we were going to start trying soon after the wedding.  The only thing she told me is that there has been a lot of research done on the mutation since I was diagnosed and that all we’d need to do is up my folic acid level intake.  I’m beginning to think we should have done much more than that.  I’m concerned too because I don’t have any information on how to move forward from here.  I don’t go back until July 11.  I’m hoping that is when she is going to start the aggressive treatments.  Both my husband and I think it’s totally worth it.

I’m still sitting here in shock wondering how in the world this all could have happened to me.  I am such a healthy person with super high energy levels.  So many people who I’ve read about say that their energy levels sky rocketed once they started taking the cocktail of vitamins.  So does this mean that instead of running my usual 10-13 miles every Sat and Sunday I’ll be running 20-30 miles???  I swear, most of the time I get done I don’t even feel like I’ve worked out!  I’m not sure how much more energy I can get!  I need to sign up for a marathon here pretty quick if that’s the boost I’m going to get 🙂  I don’t know.  I want answers more than anything right now.  I think when my doc. calls me tomorrow with my blood results I want to ask her what’s next.  I’m terrified she’s going to tell me to wait and not try this cycle.  My life just seems so meaningless right now.  Just going through the motions until we get answers.  When we found out we were pregnant I felt like I had life again.  I’m just so scared that this is going to be a long winding road with many setbacks.

Sadness

I did not get a chance to post over the weekend or yesterday because my mind has been floating in an endless bubble of shame, sadness, failure, misfortune, devastation, anger, hopelessness, fear, and just plain hurt.

We miscarried on Saturday night.  I don’t really even know where to go with this but I’ll explain from the beginning.

Friday night we had my mom’s 60th surprise birthday party.  It went off without a hitch!  Everything was perfect right down to my husband making my mom make every stop imaginable to stall her from getting to the house too early.  I left work around 3:30 to help my aunt get ready and everything turned out perfectly.  My husband showed up in a “Proud Parent” shirt that he had bought at a thrift store years ago.  It was pretty classic seeing as how it was supposed to foreshadow the events yet to come.  He didn’t put two and two together.  Everyone kept speculating that I was pregnant because of his shirt but I can assure you it was not planned like that.  He wears that shirt all the time and no one has ever said anything about us being pregnant to him in the past.  It was just a funny side note.  We kept giving each other knowing looks throughout the party and he kept drinking my corona that I was pretending to sip so that no one would speculate.  We made it through the party just fine. I felt great going to bed.

The next morning we awoke and Chad went off to go fishing.  I enjoyed the morning with my mom, aunt, uncle and dad and then they all went for a walk while I went on my usual 10 mile run.  Around mile 9 I started feeling little tinges of pain that sort of felt like maybe side cramps???  I can also equate it to the pain I feel when I’m ovulating. I walked the rest of the way home thinking it was probably nothing but wanted to error on the side of caution.  The pain never went away.  I kept occurring every 30 minutes or so.  When we all got home and showered, we decided to eat lunch and go to the pool.  I mentioned the tinges to Chad at the pool.  I kept feeling them almost like a pulling sensation but tried not to worry myself too much.  After all, pregnancy does weird things to the body.  When we got home, Chad decided to look up the tinges online to see if we could get some sort of an answer.  Mostly we found that it was just the uterus stretching.  We put our minds at rest.  We proceeded to go out to dinner with my family and throughout dinner the pains were still coming and going but this time I just thought to myself “how fun!  I can feel my uterus stretching and getting ready for baby :)”  After a lovely dinner of beef wellington and mushroom asparagus risotto that Chad and I split, I decided it was time to use the restroom.   I went in and fixed my hair first then proceeded to the toilet.  I always check my underwear for blood just because I’m paranoid.  This time there was dark brown fresh blood on my underwear.  I felt my heart stop then beat about 200 beats a minute.  I went to the bathroom then wiped.   More blood.  It was brown so I thought that maybe it was just old blood and for a split second tried to convince myself that it was just spotting and not to get ahead of myself and assume the worst.

Because I had been in the bathroom for so long, Chad decided to wait for me out in the waiting area.  When I came out and saw him he immediately asked me what was wrong.  Panic spread throughout my body.  When I saw him I embraced him lost all body control.  I wanted to die in his arms at that moment.  That was the moment I knew it was over.  I looked at him with tears filling my eyes.  I still couldn’t get the words to come out.  He knew what was going on because his eyes started filling with tears.  I finally got it out “It’s over.  It’s all over”.  He tried to calm me down and told me not to jump to conclusions but I knew.  I went to the bathroom several more times.  Each time the blood got a little fresher and more red in color.  I even stuck my finger up there to see if it was coming out.  Sure enough, it was.  My finger had a good amount of mucus type blood on the tip.  I wanted to crawl into the earth and never be brought out.  I wanted to die.  The dream was gone.  It was over.  We knew my parents and aunt and uncle were probably ready to leave at this point and had no idea where we were.  We found the car and my parents and crawled into the back of the van, holding hands and each other tightly as we made the drive home in silence, crying ever so subtly.

When we arrived home everyone got out of the car and Chad and I went directly up to my room to pack our belongings.  We knew we wanted to tell my mom about it but didn’t want to draw attention to ourselves.  We threw our clothes into our bags and packed up as quickly as possible.  We didn’t get very far.  My mom came racing up the stairs.  She knew something was going on between us.  The instant I saw her I fell apart.  She almost had to catch me as I was about to fall to the floor.  I felt so weak.  She held me and Chad as we told her what was going on.  Tears started streaming down her face as she knew all too well what this feeling was like.  She miscarried her first pregnancy at 12 weeks.  I could feel blood coming down onto my underwear so I ran to the bathroom.  That’s when it really started.  Mounds and mounds of blood came poring out.  I just sat there and cried and cried.  My mom ran to get me a pad and some clean underwear.  Chad grabbed my bloody underwear and immediately threw it away.  I remember getting irritated at this as they were a nice pair of Victoria Secret underwear.  His response “Do you really want to keep the underwear you miscarried in?”  Good point.  The rest of the evening was filled with many many tears and talking.  We did end up telling my Aunt and Uncle as they were waiting to watch our wedding video downstairs and were wondering why we weren’t enthused to watch it.  It was hard telling my aunt as she has never gone through something like this.  She got pregnant every time she tried and carried full term with no complications.  As I’m not realizing it’s very hard to talk to people about this who have never gone through it.  We ended the night on a very low note but I did end up sleeping.  We decided to stay at my parents house.  I’m really glad we did because it is a lot easier waking up to find support everywhere.

The next morning was filled with loss and emptiness.  I did try to get out and run 5 miles which felt fine but I wish I had just let my body rest.  I haven’t run since Sunday because I want the blood to go away.  I feel so fragile.  When we got home on Sunday we immediately laid down on the bed and tried to fall asleep.  After a while we both got restless and decided to get on with our day.  I went for a long walk with the dog.  I felt ok when I left but I felt about 10 times worse when I got home.  I tried to cook some dinner for us and I spoke to my brother and told him what had happened.  He was shocked.  It was hard to tell him but he always makes me feel better.  Later that night I tried to watch some TV.  I made it until about 9:30pm.  I finally decided to take a shower.  I have felt dirty and gross ever since Saturday night.  I just sat in the shower and cried.  I cried and talked to God.  I cried and talked to myself.  I cried and just felt the loneliness of this horrible tragedy.  So. Much. Blood.  That is all I could focus on.  Every time I went and still go to the bathroom there is so much blood and lining from my uterus.  It is an unbelievable amount.  Heavier than any period I’ve ever experienced.  It’s so scary.  I went to bed without even saying a word to my husband.  I didn’t want him to know that all I had done for the last 45 minutes was cry.

I woke up the next day with the same feelings of sadness and emptiness.  I didn’t set my alarm for 5am to run.  I set it for 6am to sleep in.  I would normally have called in sick but we had an IRB meeting on Monday morning.  I called the doc. as soon as I got to work and the phone call was an odd one.  I called to cancel the appointment and told her the reason for not re-scheduling was because I had a miscarriage over the weekend.  She said she was sorry and then said well that’s all and was about to hang up.  I was shocked.  I told her to hold on and asked “isn’t there some sort of protocol to follow?  Am I supposed to talk to a doctor about this?”  She said she didn’t know as she had never dealt with a miscarriage.  I assume someone would have called me eventually but seriously?!  I have just gone through a very traumatic experience and I’m not even supposed to TALK to someone????  She finally said that if it would make me feel better she’d have a doc. give me a call.  They did end up calling me and wanted to see me right away for an ultrasound and to talk with the doc.  My boss let me go the rest of the day which was really nice.  Turns out I could have “worked” from home today.  I thought I’d have to do meeting min. and clean up IRB stuff but apparently she took care of all of that.  Now I wish I were home right now and with my dog.  Not here at work doing nothing like always.

I went to the doc. around 11am yesterday and they did an ultrasound and had me meet with my OB/GYN.  Luckily the sonogram turned out ok.  I did not have an ectopic pregnancy which was a very good thing and there didn’t appear to be any type of sac left which was also a good thing.  It sounds like it expelled itself.  The sooner this happens the quicker we can start to try again.  I definitely had thought while they were looking for something wrong as to whether or not I ever wanted to try this again.  So many things were going through my head like “what if this happens again?  What if it’s worse next time?  What if I carry to past 12 weeks then miscarry?”  There are all of these questions I have and will never know the answer to.  It’s just all so very sad.  Once the ultrasound was over the doc. came in and talked to me and hugged me and told me she was so sorry.  She told me that for the next one they are going to bump my folic acid intake up from 2 mg to something much higher.  I’m wondering if they’ll put me on something else but they are going to monitor me very closely and want to see me every 2 weeks or so and prob. every week once I do fall pregnant.  I am hoping and praying this does not happen again.

I hate those people that say “things happen for a reason, it’s up to god”.  Yes, this did happen for a reason, the fetus was damaged.  God didn’t do this.  This event was not in God’s hands.  This event was a misfortune of a bad sperm or a bad egg or a combination of both that didn’t mesh well together and unfortunately decided to implant anyways making me have a positive pregnancy test and getting our hopes up.   If you have read this blog from the beginning you know how elated we were.  We wanted this baby so badly.  It’s as if I had been carrying it for so long.  It’s a very surreal experience.  You will never know what it feels like until you have a child of your own to carry and how much love you already have for it.

My biggest concern now is moving forward.  Where will I go from here?  I’m terrified of having another miscarriage.  I know the doctor’s will do everything they can not to let this happen again but sometimes it’s just out of our control and we can’t prevent these things.  The good news is that my blood results came back today.  My HCG count is still very high at 300 but not high enough where they think there would still be a fetus in there.  They didn’t see anything in the ultrasound either so that’s also good news.  I will go back again tomorrow for another blood draw to see if my levels are decreasing.  We want them to go back to as close to 0 as possible before we start trying again.   I actually went in today because someone from my doc’s office said I needed to come in 3 days in a row.  Luckily my doc. saw me in the hallway and asked why I was there and told me I wasn’t supposed to come back until tomorrow.  I told her what had happened and she said that wasn’t necessary.  She needs to communicate a few things with her office staff.   I also asked her about my running and if I can start up again.  She told me as long as I felt ok I can do whatever I want but just to listen to my body and to take it easy.  She assured me that the miscarriage had nothing to do with my running.  This made me feel so much better.  I didn’t think my running had anything to do with it but it just makes me feel better.  I’m going on a job tonight to clear my mind and get back to normal. I used the restroom on my way back to my office and my blood looks like it does at the end of my periods!!!!  Looks like things are starting to taper off and get back to normal.  I’m thinking that by Friday the blood will be 100% gone and we can start trying again.

I’m scared, yes, but I’m also so excited to start trying again with a new light at the end of the tunnel.  Now that this has happened once I know there is a good chance of it happening again and again but at least I don’t have false expectations going onto the next one.  This may become routine for us but then again we may carry a very healthy baby next time around.  We will never know unless we try.

Week 5!

We’ve made it to week 5.  It’s been exactly 5 weeks since my LMP (last monthly period).

This is how the doctor’s determine how far along you are.  I never knew this until I looked it up to follow, week by week, my pregnancy to get a gage of how I should be feeling and what I should expect in the coming weeks.  I thought I had my first bout of nausea this morning during my 7 mile run.  Turns out I was just starving.  Apparently I’m still supposed to be feeling pretty normal at this point which is a good thing because I feel great.  I still have tons of energy (but I always have), I don’t have morning sickness or nausea, I am not urinating more than I usually do and I never once spotted.  The only indication that I’m pregnant is that I have missed my period and that my pregnancy tests showed up very positive right away.  I took another one just to be sure this morning. Sure enough, the pregnant line turned up immediately, even before the control line and it’s DARK.  Good, body is still producing that pregnancy hormone.  I guess those bad symptoms don’t start up until week 6 which comes to us next Friday.  Next Friday we are going to Breckenridge with Chad’s family.  It should be interesting what happens to me.  I’ll either feel the same as I do now (which is awesome) or be vomiting and not be able to do anything all weekend.  Luckily we are planning on telling our parents before next weekend so it won’t come as a complete surprise if I do end up getting sick.

Tonight at the surprise party, it should be interesting.  I’m going to try to hold it together but one of my best friends will be there.  She has already assured me she will have wine ready for me so I can de-stress.  I love her for this.  I LOVE wine and I love getting a little tipsy.

I have no idea how I’m going to turn her down without her knowing something is up.  I’m not a big drinker so it’s not always odd when I turn down alcohol but for tonight’s even it might be.  Chad has suggested that I tell her I’m hungover from drinking too much last night but that feels odd seeing as how I NEVER drink too much on the weekdays.  And she knows we had been trying so she is going to know something is up.  I’m thinking of just taking the glass and pretending to drink it.  Don’t worry, no wine will pass these lips 🙂  I’ll figure something out.

I didn’t talk much to baby today.  I usually do talk to baby occasionally when I’m walking to the bathroom, in the car, or running.  I’m just elated that baby is growing.  Now if I could just stop taking those damn pregnancy tests to re-assure myself.

Party time

I had the bright idea of throwing my mom a surprise birthday party.  This idea came to me when she did the same for my dad in May.  They both turn a big one this year, 60.  I feel like 60 deserves something  big, huge, larger than life.  So what better time than to throw a surprise party!!

Best mom I've ever had!

Little did I know, a lot of planning comes into a surprise party.  First it was the personalized invitations, next it was keeping track of all the guests-who’s coming, who’s not.  Then the fun stuff.  Food.  Luckily my mom has the most amazing and thoughtful sister ever and I have an aunt who is out of this world helpful who said she’d help and come out for the surprise.  My mom has NO idea my aunt is coming.  The other added benefit to throwing a surprise party is stress.  I’ve been thinking about this party now for over a month and the stress has built and built.  I just want everything to go as planned and with surprises, that doesn’t always happen.  These things have to be carefully timed out.

My husband, as I’ve mentioned more than once, is incredible.

He is going to be the one who will send my mom on a wild goose chase while trying to stall her.  I’m not sure what the exact plan is on his part but he just has to make sure to not have her come home until at least 7pm.  I spoke with my mom last night about all this.  The “plan” has always been for her to watch our dog this weekend while we camp.  Little does my mom know, that’s a lie.  Regardless, we made up a story as to why she has to go get our dog at our condo.  I told my mom I can’t pick Chad and Sadie (the pup)

up because I have a mandatory work happy hour.  She tried to problem solve.  Of course, the ONE day she wants to leave early is today.  She told me she really needs to run errands in the opposite direction of where Chad and Sadie are so she suggested that she just ask my dad to get Chad.  Yeah, one little problem with that…Chad is our guy that is supposed to stall my mom!  When talking to my mom about this I started suggesting certain things like “well, wouldn’t you like a buddy to go with you?” or “It’s not that far out of the way, there’s  Sam’s club right by us!”  None of this was working so I quickly told her I had to go.  I called my dad asap.  Luckily I got a hold of him just in time.  I told him she was going to ask him to pick Chad and Sadie up and he immediately caught on saying “I’ll just tell her I have a work function and my boss needs me there”…PERFECT!  I did feel awful for my dad because my mom was going to scream at him for being useless and not helping.  I knew she’d be pissed and sure enough, she was.  I know this because my aunt called this morning to work out some details with me.  She told me that she’d already spoken with my mom today and my mom told my aunt that she was pissed saying things like “why do I have to do this?!  This makes no scense!!”  My aunt and I both agreed she has NO idea what is coming 🙂

On an even more stressful note, Chad and I did some cooking and buying of food last night that really needed to be refrigerated today.   I had to race over to my folks house today around 10am, drop the food off, and get back to work before anyone noticed.  Lucky for me, no one missed me.  I’m fortunate because the one person who does know what I’m doing and who does need to know where I’m going is my boss and she’s out today.  Now I’m just sitting here with knots in my stomach waiting to leave to go buy the last of the groceries and go set up shop in the backyard.  I’m hopefully sneaking out of work around 3:40 today so that we can get everything prepped and ready by 7pm.  Oh the joys of trying to make someone happy.

On a high note

Yesterday I was feeling great so I went on a 6 miler (did that on Tuesday as well) in stead of my usual 5.  I have decided that pregnancy running is awesome!  I don’t worry anymore about time and I have slowed my pace down so it feels like I’m running on clouds now.  I used to push myself to the limits no matter what kind of run it was.  Now it’s nice to have an excuse not to push but to just enjoy the early morning quietness.  I love running without music.  It helps me focus in on all the different houses around me, the birds waking up, other people who are doing the exact same thing as me and so on.  I’m not sure how fun it will be to get back into competitive Lindsey after the baby is born.  It was a very busy morning.  I had to rush to look presentable today and still try and manage to make my usual breakfast of oatmeal and berries with greek yogurt.

Today was a big day!  I FINALLY was patient enough to go to the DMV and get my name officially changed on my license to my husbands last name.  I figured now is as good as any time to finally do this seeing as how in 9 short months we will have a little one and both parents should probably have the same last name to keep things simple.  But I’m not kidding you, every time I’ve been to the DMV it has been packed and when I pull out number 404, they are only on number 310.  Are all DMVs like this in every state or is it just Colorado!?  I don’t remember it being that bad even at lunch time when I lived in Kansas City!  Anyways, this morning I got there at 7:55am.  I was already a bit paranoid seeing as how I didn’t tell anyone at work that I was doing this.  I figured that my boss is on vacation today so she is really the only one who needs to know and since she was gone, screw it.  An hour later I finally walked out of there with a new license.  High five for me.  That is a huge weight taken off my chest.

Today has been very busy for me.  Actually, the last several days have all been great.  I’m usually so over this place (work) by the time I leave I feel like crying.  Lately it’s just been all uphill.  I am almost positive that most of it has to do with the pregnancy and knowing that I’m fertile.  I was so scared it was going to take us months of heartache before I got pregnant and that’s to say that I even could get pregnant.  So now that I don’t have to spend my time agonizing over the two week wait and simply wondering when it will ever be our turn, I’ve turned my attention elsewhere.  It’s funny, over the past week I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster.  I think for the most part I’m over the moon with the news of being pregnant but that tiny little problem (MTHFR) is always going to be at the back of my mind.  Last night I was in a pretty good mood when I got home and was really excited to see the new daddy-to-be.  When he walked in his two girls (the pup and myself) greeted him with kisses and hugs.  He returned the affection then sat down.  I immediately new something was wrong.  Well the tip off was him saying “I don’t feel right, I’m just upset”.  Ok, that was a pretty good indication that something wasn’t right.  I don’t need a sixth sense to listen to someone!  Anyways, we started talking and two things were going on with my husband: (1) the standard-work.  He tends to take his work seriously and highly values his work.  I love this about him, I just hate to see it get to him or upset him but the next one surprised me a little bit (2) the baby.  Panic didn’t overcome me by any means but I definitely wanted to know more about how he was feeling.  I guess me coming down and being panicked and upset on Tuesday sort of rubbed off on him.  He seemed really scared.  He wanted to let me know that while he was still excited and happy to have a baby, he too was very anxious about the whole thing.  So I played the role he did to me on Tuesday.  Talking through the whole thing made things better for sure.  I think we’re now both on the same page that we are not to worry about this until we know to worry.  It’s a waste of time and energy.  I know with all my heart that (1) this baby isn’t going anywhere and (2) it’s a healthy little sucker.   I just refuse to see it any other way at this point.

The Panic

The panic of the pregnancy rolled in yesterday morning, Tuesday June 21 at around 9:30am to be exact.  All I kept thinking was what if my MTHFR diagnosis complicates things with my baby!?  I began doing tons of searches including “miscarriage and MTHRF”, “MTHRF”, “Complications with pregnancy and MTHRF” just to name a few.  The more I started to read, the more panicked I became.  Everything from birth defects, to having a kids with downs, to spina bifida.  Not to mention the miscarries.  The rates go up exponentially if you have this gene mutation due to the high levels of homocycleine pumping through your blood.  I started getting very VERY scared.  I couldn’t help it, I started to cry and immediately instant messaged Chad.  He is my hero.  Enough said.  He calmed me down almost instantly.  I always have told him if we miscarry it’s just my bodies way of getting rid of an abnormal unhealthy fetus.  Babies aren’t supposed to be born defective so it will be ok if it happens.  We’ll try again and hope for a healthy normal fetus.  Well he reminded me of this and I started panicking telling him that unfortunately with my gene mutation, I as the mother could cause a perfectly healthy fetus to abort because of the environment I’m housing it in.  I was so excited just a week ago and now I’m more scared than I’ve ever been in my life.  I can’t believe I started crying at work.  Very tough day for me.  Chad almost instantly brought me back down with soothing words telling me we’ll get through it together and to call my doc and stop reading everything online.  Every case is different and we still know very little about mine.  He reassured me that everything was going to be just fine.  He truly is an amazing partner and friend.  So I calmed down and got through my day stopping myself from looking at all the crazy forums.  Luckily I was already diagnosed with this gene mutation 10 years ago.  I was put on prescription strength folic acid and started taking that in March.  I also take a pre-natal vitamin and have been since March and eat extremely well.  I exercise daily which I heard can reduce the levels of homocycleine in the blood.  Not to mention when I had a pre-conception/family planning doc. appointment back in January, my doc. told me I had nothing to worry about and to come see her again when I was pregnant.  So here we are.  Pregnant and she merely touched on the fact that I have this problem on Saturday! Our next appointment is on July 7th.  It’s an ultrasound and my doc said this is when we will discuss my gene mutation.  I suppose they want to find a heartbeat first.  My chances of having an abnormal child or miscarriage do greatly decrease with the right diagnosis and treatment.  I’m so thankful that we already know I’m a high risk pregnancy so that we can catch this thing early.   I’m already so in love with this baby.  I can’t even bare the thought of losing it.

On my drive home yesterday I had another talk with baby, “Baby, I’m not letting you go.  I have a feeling you’re here to stay though.  You are a strong little thing and I have no doubt we are going to see you in February.”